I’ve often fielded questions about the one thing that all men who are interested in bedding the hottest women out there have asked. Namely the question of “How Do I Pick Up Women?” I’ve answered many ways to do it, but the essentials — the Golden Rules of being a player, if you will — are about picking up and satisfying women.
Usually referred to as The Player’s Code, these are the lessons and modes of conduct that give The Player an advantage over just some “guy looking to pick up,” which is most males.
You probably already do some of these things, but could use work on others. Most of these points will not be assimilated into your routine overnight; they require practice and dedication.
After all, while it might not be easy to become a true player, it’s certainly worth the effort — not to mention it’s a fun ride.
Today, we cover phase one of The Player’s activities: the art of the pickup.
the art of the pickup
1- Always be mentally ready to pick up
There are attractive women all around us — at the supermarket or waiting on you at a clothing store, in line at the bank, on the street… I actually get more than half of my pickups in such random places.
While my conversion rate on these is slightly lower than with women I meet at bars or parties (they’re not expressly looking for it), unexpected locations have turned up some pretty good finds.
Remember: Women don’t expect to be hit on as they go about their daily lives, and, therefore, they are that much more flattered when it happens.
Most often, I’ll strike up a conversation while waiting in a store, based on what’s going on around us. You could comment on the wait (“I hope there’s a meal at the end of this line”), what she’s chosen to buy (“Huh, I looked at that but passed it up. Have I made a mistake?”), or anything, really.
It could be on the street, too. The point is, you have a few moments to notice a hot woman, then look around, think of a clever line and deliver it in your most confident manner.
But approaching strangers is, in itself, a little nerve-wracking, let alone hot women. A good way to improve your skills is by starting casual small talk with random people — both men and women whom you’re not necessarily attracted to.
Then you won’t feel the pressure of impressing them. If you’re already pretty comfortable chatting, then next time you see a woman you like on the street you can approach her without being nervous.
2- Don’t use pickup lines
Pickup lines smell bad and make women groan, not moan. Let the situation dictate your approach. To seem — and actually be — spontaneous, commenting on something she’s wearing or has been doing can work.
For example, “I was just noticing how well your shoes show off your calves, and although I’m sure you’re already aware of this, sometimes it’s nice to get outside confirmation.”
If you choose to comment on something she’s been doing, make it positive, such as “You guys sure seem to be having a good time,” rather than, “I’ve noticed you’ve been twirling your ice with your swizzle stick for 15 minutes now.” No stalker talk.
Anticipate her possible reactions and how you will follow up to put your mind at ease. You will get much faster at this with practice. And have some open-ended (“how” and “why”) questions ready. Remember: Most people consider the best conversationalists the best listeners.
3- Don’t fear rejection
What do you have to lose by being turned down? A little pride, and after it happens a few times (because nobody bats 1,000), not even that. You’re going to get rejected more times than not. As my old Drill Sergeants used to say; suck it up and drive on!
If you go into a pickup fearing rejection, that’s what you’ll project, and that’s what you’ll get. Be less attached to the result. Imagine that you’re just approaching this woman to have a conversation, not to bang her.
If it goes further than conversation, consider it a bonus. A warm smile and a few quick jokes will show your best side, and warm her up to you that much quicker.
But remember: If a woman is considering you as a sexual partner — which is what you want — what you say is probably not as important as how you say it, including tone of voice and, of course, body language.
Project confidence by looking into her eyes and standing or sitting upright, with your shoulders back rather than hunched. Don’t let your voice go up an octave, which is common to all people when they’re nervous.
Make your gestures slow and deliberate, like James Bond, not fast and fidgety like Pee Wee Herman. Bear in mind that confidence deters rejection.
“I was just noticing how well your shoes show off your calves, and although I’m sure you’re already aware of this, sometimes it’s nice to get outside confirmation.”
4- Read her body language
There are many different signs and subtleties depending on the situation. Just remember that, like you, if she fidgets or taps things, she’s nervous in an uncomfortable — i.e. potentially uninterested — way.
If she licks her lips (consciously or not), runs her hands through or shakes out her hair, or, one of my favorites, plays with her earlobe, she’s sending you buying signals.
What about smiling? It’s good, right?
Well, only the right kind of smile. If she shows her teeth and laughs openly, you’re on the right track. If, on the other hand, she doesn’t show teeth, or she looks away when she smiles, she’s probably just being polite, possibly because you’re boring her.
5- Give them the 15-minute test
It may take you longer at first, but eventually you should be able to tell in about that time whether a woman is:
a) interested in you, and
b) up for casual sex.
Reading body language will help answer part a, and the degree of her buying signals plus other information you exchange will give you an answer to b.
You might think that you could be writing off potential babes by judging too quickly. But bear in mind that it takes a certain combination of factors — interest in you, right mind-set, no boyfriend (or no fidelity) — to find a woman to suit your needs.
Once you start getting good at steering your struck-up conversations through these various topics without being too blunt, it should take about 15 minutes to get a good impression of your chances with the woman in front of you either now or on your next date.
But how, specifically, will you know? Only practice will tell.
6- Know when to cut your losses
She might not be looking for a quick fix, for example. This will be revealed in your 15-minute test. If a woman doesn’t pass that test, graciously bow out of the conversation and don’t feel bad about it. You also need to know how to identify which women to avoid.
Beyond that, attractive women are usually spoken for so don’t waste time: Establish whether or not a woman is single early on in your pickup. It doesn’t have to be awkward, but can instead be quite easily turned into a question about interests, e.g. “I really like to get away for weekends to (insert beautiful/romantic spot near you). Do you ever do that kind of thing?”
The goal here is that if she does have a boyfriend and doesn’t want to falsely lead you on, she will suggest the information that she has a boyfriend.
7- Use negative hits
You might use a compliment in your initial contact, but that should be it for a while. After that, mix in a few negative hits, especially if she’s good-looking (which, if you’re hitting on her, she must be, right?), just to keep her honest and her ego in check.
For example, “I guess you’re trying to join the (insert celebrity name here) club when it comes to hairstyles. I’ve seen a lot of women with a similar style, but I must say it suits you a lot better than most.”
Note that a negative hit is not the same thing as an insult. It ends on a somewhat positive note, but lets her know you’re no pushover. After you’ve piqued her interest this way, you may permit yourself one showstopper compliment to let her know what you think. But if you start adoring her, she will feel she can take or leave you. Don’t over-compliment — it’ll kill your chances.
8- Don’t lie
Always be honest about your intentions, although not blunt. Use euphemisms; instead of coming out and saying, “I’m seeing other women at the same time as you.” Instead, put it this way: “I really like that you’re a fun person, because that’s what I need right now — somebody to just have a good, casual time with.”
You’ve been clear about your intentions, so she can’t feel misled. And if you say this fairly early on, you’ve taken control by setting the tone. After that, there’s no “talk” that needs to happen, unless things seem to be developing more amorously than planned.
9- Get a good wingman
Of course for the impromptu meetings on the street you probably won’t have a friend along, but neither will you need one. But a bar or party is different, because even though we all know what’s going on when a man approaches a random woman in a bar, maintaining the pretense of innocence is important. And showing up to a bar with friendslooks more innocent than cruising alone.
Your ideal wingman is funny and a good conversationalist to keep things going when there’s a lull, only he’s not more so than you — you don’t want him stealing your thunder. He also knows how to pick up, so he’ll know when you no longer need his help and can then fade into the background, or else pick up or entertain your prey’s friends.
Most importantly, a good wingman has your interests in mind, not his own. He might even throw a couple of easy negative hits your way, to show that you’re good-natured and can defend yourself.
10- Always close the day
You have several options here. If things are going well in a public setting and she doesn’t make a move to invite you somewhere (which she often will), you can suggest you move the party somewhere else in various manners, according to the signals she’s sending:
a) “Let’s get a drink somewhere, just the two of us,”
b) “I’m thinking we could use a little more privacy,” or
c) “What I want to do with you right now may be considered a criminal offense in public, so we’d better head elsewhere.”
But if things aren’t on that track, never leave without at least asking for her phone number or, less threatening, her e-mail address.
People like e-mail because the communication isn’t a live performance, and they can more naturally play the whole “make him/her wait” game that’s so popular with phone tag.
But if you don’t end up with some way to at least contact her, all you’ve had is a nice conversation, and a player shouldn’t settle for that.
11- Work on many leads simultaneously
This is important for a number of reasons, the first being that it’s more fun, which is ultimately the point. But beyond that, you’ll learn faster, and may even be able to apply lessons you’ve learned with one woman you’re now up to date No. 4 with on a first or second date with another babe while it’s still fresh in your mind.
In the dating world, it’s all about the learning curve. Also, it’ll be much easier to take things casually with each woman if there are more than one.
By working the quantity game, you’ll be much less affected if a lead doesn’t work out. This will add to your confidence, and if there’s one thing women are good at, it’s detecting confidence.
If she feels you’re calm, cool and not after her like a dog in heat because you have other options, she’ll work that much harder to be No. 1 on your to-do list.
12- Think of your strengths in the eyes of your prey
Good, relatively superficial commonalities that will suit your purposes could have to do with music, food, film — anything that could provide themes for future dates. Plus, of course, there’s the mutual love of getting physical, the great incompatibility neutralizer.
In terms of differences, if, for example, you are after a woman younger than you and you’re worried it’s an issue, think about it from her angle — you’re an older, worldly and, therefore, confident man with the skill to pleasure her.
If the fact is that you don’t know the latest Jay-Z track, or that your hairline is doing a backward shuffle, just remember that these things don’t necessarily matter as much to women, especially those interested in your other experiential qualities.
Think that the glass is half full and you’ll project that positive attitude and have a better time.
play by the rules
There you have it, the essential 12 golden rules for picking up women. Always remember that picking up takes practice, so keep at it.
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